Dear Anna,

I've been with my boyfriend for over six years, and I'm exhausted from constantly attending family gatherings and social events alone while he stays home playing video games. Every wedding, birthday party or holiday celebration, I'm the only one without a partner while everyone else shows up as couples. I've started making excuses for him, but then I get bombarded with questions about why he's never around. My family has basically stopped asking about him, and some relatives have made it clear they don't think much of him since he never makes an effort. Meanwhile, I always attend his family events and host his friends at our place without complaint. He'll occasionally come to something if I beg him weeks in advance and cater to all his needs, but he's miserable the whole time and usually leaves early, so it's easier to just go alone. I'm starting to feel like I'm in a relationship with a ghost, and I'm tired of defending someone who won't even show up for the people I love. Is this normal? Am I asking too much, or should a partner of six years be willing to occasionally socialize with my family and friends? — Sick of Solo-ing

Dear SOS,

Seven years of showing up alone while he stays home gaming? Did you hear the collective groan of straight women everywhere?

I can feel your frustration radiating through this letter. You're exhausted from making excuses and watching your family slowly stop asking about him altogether. That's not the partnership you signed up for.

Here's the thing: This behavior isn't cool in a committed relationship. Look, nobody actually wants to sit through your niece's fourth-grade oboe recital, but we do it because we love our partners — and to bond over how truly terrible 10-year-olds are at playing oboe.

Yes, some people are introverts or have social anxiety, and those limits should be respected, but that doesn’t appear to be the case here. And after six years together, your family gatherings shouldn't feel like pulling teeth for him. Showing up is what couples do for each other. The fact that you always attend his family events while he consistently skips yours shows he's capable of socializing when it matters to him — it just doesn't seem like supporting you socially is a priority.

You've gotten so used to accepting crumbs that you're grateful when he occasionally shows up after weeks of planning and catering to his needs, even though he complains the whole time. Meanwhile, you're out there defending a relationship he won't even participate in publicly.

But before we go nuclear on this relationship, I need you to think bigger picture: Is this part of a pattern where he doesn't show up for you in other ways? Does he skip important conversations, avoid helping with household responsibilities, or bail on things that matter to you beyond social events? Or is the rest of your relationship solid, and this is genuinely the one major issue?

If it's truly just this one thing and everything else is amazing, then it's time for a serious conversation with clear expectations. Tell him that attending some family events and social gatherings is nonnegotiable for you. He doesn't have to love every minute, but he needs to show up and make an effort — no more begging required from you. (You also have my permission to stop attending his events if he doesn’t reciprocate, not that you need it.)

If this is part of a bigger pattern of him not showing up for you emotionally, practically or socially, then you're looking at a much larger problem about whether this person is actually longer-term partnership material. (I mean, six years is already long-term, but life is long and think about how many events you’ll have to attend alone if this keeps up?)

Set a timeline for seeing real change — not just one grudging appearance, but consistent participation in your social life over the next few months. Pay attention to how he responds. Does he get defensive and make it about his comfort, or does he recognize how his absence has affected you and your relationships?

Only you know if this relationship is worth potentially blowing up your life over. But after six years, you deserve someone who's proud to stand next to you at both the big milestones and the random Tuesday dinners with friends.

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