Dear Kid Whisperer,

I have two school-aged boys and I have a 38-month-old little girl. My question is about my daughter. With my sons, usually if they cried, and I gave them what they wanted, they’d stop crying and that would be the end. When I give my daughter what she wants, she will only stop crying or whining briefly before she’s off to crying about something else. I am proud that as a full-time mom, I can give my kids what they need. I haven’t had a toddler for many years, and I feel like I forgot how to parent. What did I forget? What am I doing wrong?

Answer: Yikes.

I have a lot of bad news for you, and I’m going to predict that you’re not going to like what I have to say. You are coming to me with a small question, and I’m going to suggest that you make a huge paradigm shift. Frankly, this never goes well since people only want what they ask for, and they resent when they are given what they never requested. But, here I go anyway.

First, I’m going to suggest that you start referring to your 38-month-old as 3 years old. I think this would be helpful since, as far as I can tell, you may be treating all of your kids as if they are infants. Since none of them are infants, I’m going to suggest that you stop that.

The reason that I’m inferring this is that you conflated two important words in your question: the word “want” and the word “need.” You seem to use them interchangeably.

Red flag.

Raising an infant is incredibly difficult, but simple. All infants have are needs. It needs a clean diaper so it doesn’t get an infection? Change it. It needs to get warmer so it doesn’t get hypothermia? Put a blanket on it. It needs sleep to maintain healthy brain function? Put it to bed. It’s hungry? Put pureed peas in it.

While it can be exhausting to figure out which need to satisfy, because the darn things don’t talk yet, and we become exhausted figuring it all out, the formula is simple: satisfy the need. Difficult but simple.

Raising a toddler is easier, but more complicated. It’s easier because toddlers can start to satisfy their own needs: They start to be able to go to the bathroom on their own, put blankets on themselves, help with putting themselves to sleep, and feeding themselves. BUT... the raising of a toddler starts to become more complicated because not only do they have needs, they also have wants!

They need to be warm…but they want a certain blanket.

They need to sleep… but they want to stay up.

They need to eat… but they want cookies.

What makes this so tough is that when kids move from infancy to toddlerdom, around one year or so, they often will do the same thing to express when they need something and when they want something:

They cry.

So, during toddlerdom, it can be a challenge to figure out if they are crying so we can fulfill a need, or crying because they want something.

Easier but complicated.

If you know it is a need, stay on infant mommy mode: just fulfill the need. See above. Simple.

But, if we know it is a want -- perhaps a 15-month-old is grasping for a cookie, or a 24-month-old is wanting to stay up after bedtime, or a 20-month-old is demanding the blanket that is already being used by her brother -- we do not give the toddler the wanted thing when they cry. NEVER. NEVER. NEVER.

As kids become more verbal, it becomes easier to discern what is a need or a want, and once they are able, we only give kids both needs and wants when they are asked for through kind words according to our own set of values.

Most importantly, don’t give your kid wants that you don’t want to give them. Here’s how I do it in a grocery store in the aisle.

Kid: Cookie!! I want COOKIE!

Kid Whisperer: Nope. (Kid Whisperer does not break stride as he proceeds to check out.)

Kid: BWAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!

Kid Whisperer goes on living his life without giving any attention to the crying.

The lessons here for Kid are obvious and should be universal: You get nothing when you are being unpleasant, and you don’t always get what you want.

In this case, crying is learning.

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