ArcaMax

Dear Annie: My wife and I have been married for nearly half our lives, and we've always had a strong relationship. The problem we're facing now is her family -- specifically her younger brother and his household.

Her brother has never been particularly motivated, and although we've always been cordial, we've never seen eye to eye. Early in my relationship with my wife, he spread hurtful rumors about my family and even referred to me as a "dirtbag construction worker." Despite this, my wife has always felt sorry for him, so I've tolerated him for her sake.

About six years ago, he married a woman he met online after less than a year of dating. They had a baby shortly after. From the beginning, her parenting has been concerning. She didn't introduce solid food until the baby was nearly a year old, claiming the doctor "never told her," despite my wife and mother?in?law advising her. When the baby began crawling, they put him in front of the TV for hours because he was "too much to deal with."

Over the years, their issues have only grown. They now have two children, both with health and behavioral problems tied to poor diet and lack of structure. Their oldest, now 6, has been removed from four schools for behavioral issues. The mother has threatened to leave the marriage multiple times.

Now the grandparents are being used as unpaid child care. They drive one child to and from a school 20 minutes away every day and then babysit until evening. My brother?in?law and his wife also go out at least once a week, leaving the kids with the grandparents, claiming their therapist told them they "need alone time."

I struggle to be around this family. The parents are irresponsible, and the children are extremely difficult. Their oldest has physically assaulted both of my daughters multiple times. My kids don't enjoy being around him, and I don't blame them.

The real conflict is with my wife and her family. They constantly make excuses for her brother, blame everything on his wife and refuse to hold him accountable. They baby the kids and expect my children to tolerate their behavior, which is unsafe and disruptive. When my daughters don't want to play with their cousins, my wife gets upset with them -- and with me.

Now my wife is angry that I don't want to spend time around her family at all. I'm frustrated that she prioritizes protecting her brother's feelings over protecting our children's wellbeing and our peace at home.

I don't know how to move forward. I love my wife deeply, but I'm exhausted by the constant drama, the lack of boundaries and the pressure to expose my kids to a situation that is clearly unhealthy. How do I support my marriage while also protecting my family from this chaos? -- Feeling Stuck

Dear Feeling Stuck: Your instincts are sound. Protecting your children is not disloyalty; it's your first responsibility as a parent.

Your wife is trying to shield her brother from consequences, but that shouldn't come at the expense of your daughters' safety or peace.

Reframe the issue as your shared duty as parents, not you rejecting her family. Tell your wife that you love her and want harmony, but you will not place your children in situations that are distressing. That line must be firm.

Compassion doesn't mean endless tolerance. And marriage doesn't require you to sacrifice your children's wellbeing to keep the peace.

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"Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness" is out now! Annie Lane's third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged -- because forgiveness isn't for them. It's for you. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.