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Dear Eric: I am the youngest of two adult daughters, neither of whom currently speaks to our father. Our parents stayed married for 40 years, with the second half of the marriage full of arguments due to my mother growing as a person and my father remaining committed to not changing and being self-centered and without tact.

Growing up I was the "favored" child but recognized how he treated my sister. Their relationship was always fraught but finally he stopped speaking with her due to some perceived slights and also cut off her children (his grandchildren), despite them having nothing to do with this.

He's pushed away most family and longtime friends.

Our relationship became very surface over the years but with regular communication. He lives in another state but will come up occasionally to see his sister.

During his visit last year, he made a very offensive comment to me, which I calmly rebuked him for before walking away. He called out an apology, but other than a brief text about my aunt, I have not heard from him since. He remains loving and in communication with my young adult son.

I know he is incapable or uninterested in changing, and his brief visits always put me on edge. I think about him sometimes and know he will not live forever, but my partner thinks it's best for me to keep my own peace.

I'm not sure I will miss him once he's gone, as he's never been a great father emotionally, but he has been there for me in ways over the years. I'm torn between leaving things as is or resuming communication.

– Torn Daughter

Dear Daughter: Think about what you would hope to achieve by resuming communication. You’ve already done one of the hardest things – acknowledging that your father may not change into the person that you want or need him to be. By accepting this, even though it’s painful, you free yourself and him from an expectation that could cause you more pain.

You also open yourself up to a modified form of communication that might grant you some closure about this relationship while still maintaining a healthy boundary. For instance, visits might not be helpful, but you might try a letter.

What your partner said about keeping your peace is important. The way your relationship functioned in the past hasn’t worked. If there is something that feels unresolved for you, you don’t have to go back to the way things were in order to resolve it. You can communicate on your own terms and see if he’s capable of meeting you there.

Dear Eric: We have friends for whom their family is everything. They communicate with each other near daily, do trips together, planned well ahead.

They clearly want to keep in touch with us, value the relationships, et cetera.

Yet some are so booked they do not have time for us. Others, when we visit them or they visit us, are constantly getting texts and phone calls about ongoing matters with their families.

Those who do not make time for us still keep in touch by social media; recently we saw on an app they had been on a family trip in our area and had not let us know before or after.

In one case it is irritating, in the other, disappointing. Would appreciate any thoughts on navigating both. One seems worth the effort, the other not so sure.

– Family and Friends

Dear Friends: Acceptance is going to be your friend here because it will help you work out what a reasonable expectation is of these relationships and communicate that. It is unlikely that these people’s family connections will become less important to them. While that’s not what you’re asking for, the irritation and disappointment you’re feeling may indicate that deep down you do want them to prioritize you. It will be helpful to separate these feelings a bit.

In practice, that means acknowledging to yourself “these are friends with whom I’d like to spend more time, but their other commitments and relationships make that hard.” From there, ask yourself what might be possible and reasonable to ask for.

For the friends who seem to be making an effort to get together, but are inundated with texts about family matters, you might try to come up with a shared activity that’s more casual and can hold stepping away for a call.

For the friends who keep in touch on social media but didn’t reach out when they were nearby, consider whether a virtual catch-up might sate your need.

It’s important to remember what you wrote: that they value the relationships. Reframing your thinking a bit, then, will help stave off hurt feelings and help you focus on the connective points that are possible.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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