ArcaMax

Date: July 4, 2276

Location: Independence National Historical Park, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Event: Opening of the America 250 time capsule

Thank you for coming to the 500th birthday celebration for the Territory of Bezos Sponsored by Diet Coke, formerly known as the United States of America.

Reminder: Please double-blink your eye implant to mark your attendance. If your AI simulation has come instead, blink three times. This is essential for an accurate human-to-sim census. We don't want a repeat of the 475th anniversary, which did not bring out the best in our nation's digital twins. We will rebuild!

We hope you have enjoyed the program thus far. We've seen imaginative offerings from bygone state leaders. How about that laser nanoetching of the Declaration of Independence provided by Arizona? And that diamond from Crater of Diamonds State Park in Arkansas? And, we admit, a distressing number of challenge coins.

We've reached the 11th entry in our alphabetical list: Florida.

Your holographic teachers may have taught you about the old Florida, a once robust peninsula jutting into the Atlantic Ocean and bordered by the Gulf of Amazon Prime. These days, due to sea level rise, Florida looks more like... well, have you seen the claw of a cassowary? It's a really scary bird. Florida looks like the claw of a bird that could murder you.

But the Florida of yesteryear was a special place first inhabited by Indigenous populations who found sacred meaning in the vibrant lands and lush fauna. Historians speak admirably of Florida's contributions to literature, music, art and conservation. The state's people were known for their eccentricities but also grit and good humor.

What might we find in this capsule to represent Florida's many gemlike facets? A vial of beach sand or a preserved blade of swamp grass? A cheeky little flip-flop? An image of a manatee floating in a natural spring? Perhaps a series of simple illustrated maps to capture the evolving shoreline?

First we have... oh. Wonderful. More challenge coins. Folks in 2026 were really into challenge coins, huh? Alright, we have one here representing Gov. Ron DeSantis, the most important Florida figure in modern history, apparently. Kids, the DeSantis name may ring a bell due to all the fights to remove statues of him in public squares and schools.

Other coins represent the Florida attorney general, the Florida Department of Agriculture and Consumer Services and the Florida Agency for Fiscal Oversight, also known as FAFO. Hold on, my virtual assistant, Pam, is saying that acronym stands for... Oh, I see.

(Mutters into palm) Pam, I really can't keep going with... but this is so bad. I'm losing them... OK. Fine.

Wow! What a dignified start to the Florida portion of today's program! Compelling symbols of, uh, customs, heritage and culture. What other exciting treasures await?

Oh, goody, a pin attached to a note from 2024-26 House Speaker Daniel Perez. No, wait, please don't leave. If you stay until the end, you can enjoy a complimentary selection of freeze-dried Territory of Bezos Meals, Ready-To-Eat. Just scan your citizenship wrist chips to claim. We have chicken marsala.

Booklets! I found booklets in the capsule! This one is about how Florida celebrated the semiquincentennial, fascinating. Another is from the Florida Senate. That's it? It's just a booklet about the Senate?

(mutters) Pam, really? Maine included a whole whale bone, Pam. No wonder Florida turned into a deranged bird claw. Pam, Pam, I hear you. Pam, stop. What's next, Georgia? Oh, no, they have more medallions. Can I skip to Guam? Pam?

Up next: Georgia!

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Stephanie Hayes is a columnist at the Tampa Bay Times in Florida. Follow her at @stephrhayes on Instagram.

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