ArcaMax

A fellow nurse at my hospital received a call from an anxious patient.

"I'm diabetic and I'm afraid I've had too much sugar today." the caller said.

"Are you light-headed?" my colleague asked.

"No," the caller answered, "I'm a brunette."

A man phones home from his office and says to his wife, "I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. I have to leave right away. Please pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up."

The man rushes home to grab everything. He hugs his ...Read more

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's station-wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farmhouse and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.

"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the ...Read more

Tired of the inconvenience of driving from the airport to his country cottage, a man equipped his small plane with pontoons so he could land on the lake directly in front of his cottage. On his next trip however, he made his approach down the airport runway as usual.

Alarmed, his wife cried out, "Are you crazy? You can't land this plane ...Read more

I have my changed my system for labeling homemade freezer meals. I used to carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."

However, I used to get frustrated when I asked my husband what he wanted for dinner because he never asked for any of those ...Read more

I have secretly always longed to be a smoker.

This is not an acceptable thing to say out loud, I know. Due to the fact that cigarettes can kill a person all while making their nails yellow and skin sallow and lips wrinkled and breath horrific, I will never actually start smoking. Nor will I ever recommend that anyone else start smoking. ...Read more

An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?" he wrote, "No."

The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was "Why?"

The applicant answered it anyway: "Never got caught."

What is the best advice to give to worm?
Sleep late!

What's the difference between a worm and an apple?
Have you ever tried worm pie?

What do you get if you cross a glow worm with some beer?
Light ale!

Why do worms taste like chewing gum?
Because they're wrigleys!

What makes a glow worm glow?
A light meal!

What...Read more

Where do frogs keep their money?
In a river bank!

What kind of bull doesn't have horns?
A bullfrog!

What jumps up and down in front of a car?
Froglights!

Why doesn't Kermit the Frog like elephants?
They always want to play leap frog with him!

Why was the frog down in the mouth?
He was un hoppy!

Why is a frog ...Read more

Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out forest fires!

Why did the pig go to the casino?
To play the slop machine!

What is a pigs favorite ballet?
Swine Lake!

What do you get if you cross a hen with a dog?
Pooched eggs!

How do you stop a rooser crowing on Sunday?
Eat him on Saturday!

Why did the foal cough?
...Read more

I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your chain letters over the past two years.

Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy. Because of your concern.......

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I no longer can drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

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I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since ...Read more

Please leave your name and number -- But first, a short algebra quiz: How much is 5Q + 5Q? (Pause while caller thinks) 10Q You're welcome!

Men are like fine wine...

They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with.

- Marriage is like a mousetrap. Those on the outside are trying to get in. Those on the inside are trying to get out.

- Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it.

- Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

- Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.

- Marriage means ...Read more

What is evil, ugly and keep the neighbours awake?
A witch with a drum kit!

What goes cackle, cackle, squelch, squelch?
A witch in soggy shoes!

What do you call a witch that flies in Concorde?
Lucky!

What do you call two witches who share a broom sticks?
Broom mates!

What does a witch turn when the lights go out?
...Read more

"Did you all see the guy at Yankee Stadium that jumped from the upper deck into the net that catches the foul balls? He jumped like 50 feet. How can anyone get that drunk off $8 beers!" -- Dave Letterman

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"Yesterday Jennifer Wilbanks, the runaway bride had to cut the lawn of a city building as part of her community service. However, ...Read more

At one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been canceled for the second year in a row, but the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned.

One soldier mused, “Does it bother anyone else that the Army doesn't seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?”

Father Sullivan was ministering to a man on his deathbed.

"Renounce Satan!" yelled Father Sullivan.

"No," said the dying man.

"I say, renounce the devil and his works!"

"No," the man repeats.

"And why, in the name of all that is holy, not?" asks Father Sullivan.

"Because," said the dying man, "I want to wait until I see where I'm heading ...Read more

A old snake goes to see his Doctor.

"Doc, I need something for my eyes...can't see well these days." The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.

The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.

Doc says, "What's the problem...didn't the glasses help you?"

"The glasses are fine doc,...Read more

Patient: Doctor, what I need is something to stir me up; something to put me in a fighting mood. Did you put something like that in this prescription?

Doctor: No need for that. You will find that in your bill.