ArcaMax

A ping-pong table won't cut it.

The ultimate workplace perk of the dot-com era was supposed to create cohesive, productive teams. Didn't happen. Social engineering strategies like free snacks, fancy cafeterias and even free ping-pong created isolated malcontents who grumbled endlessly about better snacks, fancier cafeterias and foosball tables to use when ping-pong became a bore.

The science of turning individual employees into unified, productive teams is the subject of Ron Friedman's "The Office Amenity That Actually Improves Teamwork," recently published in the Harvard Business Review.

In his article, psychologist Friedman analyzes "one workplace reinvention after another: private offices, cubicles, open floor plans, Silicon Valley-style campuses and more recently, hybrid-work arrangements."

His conclusion -- "Only one consistently distinguished a high-performing team: a quiet place to do focused work."

Shocking, ain't it? Companies that spent thousands of hours and beaucoup dollars to make their employees work together better should have spent the time and money helping employees to work better alone.

Or maybe you believe the tsunami of remote work that swept over the workplace during and after COVID provides the solitude required by individuals to make teams operate at peak efficiency. 'Fraid not. According to Mr. Friedman, "studies on remote work have produced mixed results when it comes to individual productivity."

(The truth may not really matter since bosses today have decided they want to be able to see, touch and order around the people they pay. Who can blame them? You shelled out $200K for your Escalade-V ESV. Even if you never drive it, you want to have it in your garage, not parked a dozen miles away in some bougie suburb.)

No, to work better together, at the office or at home, what teams need -- what everyone needs -- is time alone for focused thinking.

How to make this happen? Here are some unfocused ideas from Team Bob.

No. 1: Blockheads Unite

To create effective teams, companies should establish DFB's -- Dedicated Focus Blocks. These are management-mandated periods during which team members are not allowed to respond to phone calls, emails, Slack messages or fire alarms.

Free from disturbances, the employees will amass ideas to bring to team meetings whenever they occur. That's assuming, of course, the employee spends their Dedicated Focus Block to actually focus on work, which is ridiculous.

One question about DFB's concerns scheduling. An hour in the morning and an hour in the afternoon doesn't sound like a lot of time, but if no one is looking over your shoulder, two hours a day will definitely cut into the time you need to successfully shop the RealReal and run up the damage percentage meter on "Super Smash Brothers."

Of course, if you are actually going to focus on work, a shorter DFB should be sufficient.

I recommend a duration of 15 seconds. Or less.

No. 2: Meetingless Mondays

Everyone loves a good team meeting, especially when your manager can use the time to pontificate on the upcoming season of "Below Deck Mediterranean." But meetings do tend to multiply and the team may soon find itself using the current meeting to schedule the next meeting, which will discuss the last meeting, which no one can remember attending.

By setting aside certain days of the week that will be meeting-free, ample time can be reserved for individual thinking. Plus, when the meeting days do arrive, you can pretend to be happy to see the other team members. It's a level of insincerity that says "management material."

No. 3: Brainwriting for Beginners

"Brainwriting" is an individual activity where team members come to brainstorming sessions with their brainstorms already written down. This saves time and you can move immediately to arguing over whose idea is dumbest. Trust me -- this is one contest you can win.

No. 4: Geography 101

Certain work functions work better in different locales. A private office with a closed door can be the most conducive to deep thinking, especially when furnished with a comfy sofa and a blanky. A raucous confab in a glitzy conference room that everyone in the company can see is useless for getting things done, but it is the best locale when you are trying to make it look like your team is actually working.

No. 5: Go Remote. Go Really Remote.

Some work is best done at home. All work is best done at home on the Amalfi Coast with a view of whatever the heck is happening on "Below Deck Mediterranean" with Captain Sandy and her rambunctious crew.

Spoiler alert -- they're not playing ping-pong.

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Bob Goldman was an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at info@creators.com. To find out more about Bob Goldman and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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